not this time

Something in me changed one night in the hospital during Silas' 1st hospital stay. His platelets were low, I was alone, and he was doing badly. He was resting fitfully. I was watching for all of those horrible things they said could happen. He needed those platelets, but they were in Dothan, and wouldn't be there till morning! I cried out to God, fearful that I might lose my Silas. I told myself "I will pray my Boaz through the night". It was as if the Lord laughed at me. I thought, "what?????".The Lord was saying, "you think YOU can do something about this?" And at that point I realized how weak I was, and I began to get a vision for how strong my Lord is compared to..............me!
I realized I could do nothing for Silas Boaz, not on my own, not even "praying him through the night". Because I was acting in my own power, and I needed to rely on the Lord's. The Lord brought to my mind two verses of scripture, Exodus 15:3 The Lord is a man of war, the LORD is his name. That's my Lord, he likes fighting, its all through the Bible. And Exodus 14:14 And the Lord will fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace. God wasn't telling me not to pray, he was telling me to allow Him to do the fighting, and it is so much more restful that way. Of course I prayed through out the night, not just that night, but many, many, many nights to come. I used to think I was tired............... that was before I learned what tired was.
But God was teaching me lessons. Fast forward a little over five months. We've had some very good times with My Little Man. He felt amazingly good at times. Other times....... he had an infection in his port. Every time we'd use it he would spike a high, HIGH-105* temp within 15 minutes. He went through four surgeries. The infection moved to his bones, very bad. One week he's giggling and laughing, no one we meet can believe THIS is the child with stage IV cancer.The next week we're in the hospital, he quits standing. In my heart I knew the cancer had moved to his bones, but I ignored the advance notice I was getting and pretended it was from the high fevers. The next week he is saying, "I can't sit up." Now, I am very scared. Why wouldn't he be able to sit up??? By then I can SEE the cancer has spread, though I had no idea it was into his precious brain. He was so smart. Its still hard to believe, all that going on in his tiny body, yet he was so smiley, such a good attitude, so unbelievably well behaved!!! Later that week I could sit him up, but he was unsteady.

For some reason I felt the Lord was telling me something different this time. I reasoned, "he was worse when we found out he had the cancer in May", but the Lord was saying "not this time". I cried out to him, I fasted, I begged, BUT the Lord was speaking, I didn't want to listen. It went against everything we had been seeing happen. He'd been getting better.........................but the Lord was saying something different to me, something he'd never said before, "not this time". I knew the Lord could heal him if He wanted, I didn't lack the faith that He COULD heal him. I just knew what He was telling me........."not this time". How could I tell someone that he wouldn't make it??? He just got sick, He seemed a very healthy boy, despite the cancer we knew was in his body. We'd been watching the cancer go away.........."not this time". It's not something you can be ready for. I prayed the Lord wouldn't make him suffer long. I don't like to remember my little one laying in the bed those last few days and nights. That's not how I remember him. When I see Silas he is running through the house, chasing Sissy with the mop! Or he is grinning that mischievous smile, because he WAS ALWAYS up to something. Maybe he's wrestling with his "Uncle Tim"-his giant stuffed deer. He's bouncing on the trampoline, and making everyone else sit down! Or he's at church saying "Amen Preacher"! His old body is in the grave down the road, but Boaz is up in Glory. He's got some great friends up there and I can't wait to meet them. Sure, I miss him every day. I miss holding him till my arms ache. I miss running my fingers through his soft hair until he falls asleep. I miss his beautiful smile, and just having him near. I miss cheerios on the floor, and in the van seat. I miss his tiny hand in mine, and dragging his blankie around. I miss having to watch football, no matter who's playing. I miss fetching his cars for him after he races them down the track. I miss searching for his turtle at nap time, so he can play with the tag. I miss him saying "Hi Mommy" when I walk in the room.
I am sure I will miss him every day of my life. Some days more than others. Sometimes the sorrow comes in waves, like sea billows!! I praise God that this is such a short life compared with eternity. I praise God that I know my real home is in Heaven, and that Silas is already there. I will see my Little Man again, and he will once again be running, and laughing.