Tuesday, November 2, 2010

only a year

anyone who's been reading 
here for long knows what Nov 1st was
where are the words to say?
to anyone who thinks what I feel
is not normal...
I know you have never been through it
to anyone who thinks
the way I grieve is wrong...
I don't care what you think
I realize you are ignorant
on this subject
I try not to fault you...
but it gets difficult when you 
insist you are right
since I'm the one going through it
I know you are wrong.
I refuse to hide my hurt...
I let it show 
so that others who hurt 
will not feel alone.
When my hurting helps someone else
then I am not alone.
I know many others hurt
from the loss
I also know they do not hurt
like those who have lost.
That being said...
This has been an incredibly long year.
Since my little Boaz...
my little man
went home to be with the Lord
there have been many changes.
Some good, some not so

I can tell you that in a year
I know I still have no idea
what I'm going to feel
in the future.
I know that I will not know 
until it comes..
and sometimes it's hard to realize..
until later.

I know what I have felt:
like the house is empty...
when I know it's not.
like I am alone...
when I know I'm not.
like part of me died..
because it did.


  1. We are still praying for you and your family. Silas' fight still brings tears to my eyes...but I am so thankful we will be able to meet him in heaven one day! My heart aches for you as you try to live and do as the Lord has called you..without your little man! I appreciate the testimony you have all kept during Silas' sickness as well as after his home going!
    Waiting for that trump to sound,
    The St. John family...

  2. Hi Karen!
    thank you for as always your kind and tender words! As I reflect our first year, you are way ahead of me. Three years has not made my heart hurt less, or fewer tears, but I have sensed and felt such marvelous grace and I am so thankful for His Presence. I would just encourage to keep seeking when you are weary, keeping crying out when you can not laugh, keep trusting when you feel hopeless, keep the Word before you, that was my very life support!

    Boaz and Joel are best buddies, just waitin to show us all the adventures of His Kingdom!!!

    Love you!!


  3. He is beautiful, Karen. I am glad you are not hiding your hurt. And I am glad that there is a balm that will keep us until we see our little men again, hold them in our arms, and never let go!

    Don't let anyone tell you that you are grieving wrong. Just today, I was thinking the same thing. Wondering how long will I feel like the house is empty when it is not? I don't ever want Austin and Noah to say that my life ended when Christian left this earth. And I don't believe they will say that... it's just that sometimes the hurt in my heart is so overwhelming. I want to be completely present for my boys, but it can be so hard sometimes.

    I am so thankful that we don't have to walk this road alone. Whenever I am tempted to wallow in my sorrow, God always offers a way of escape! If only I would open my eyes and choose to SEE.

    I still pray for you and your family often, Karen.


  4. Mrs. Karen,

    Here I am reading this a few weeks late... I am angered and grieved to know that there are people telling you you are wrong for grieving for your precious little boy. How can anyone say such a thing? Please know that I have marveled at the grace God has given to you and it has shown through your posts so much. You are not complaining, and you are not wrong to be sad...May God help those people who scold you, when their time comes and their hearts are broken. They obviously never read how Jesus wept outside of Lazarus' tomb even though he was about to be raised... Jesus PAUSED to FEEL OUR HURT. And we are not Christ-like if we as your friends do not the same when you are hurting. I love you and your family, and miss you, think of your family often and have prayed for you.

    Melanie R.



FEEDJIT Live Traffic Feed