Boaz 4th birthday

Today would have been Boaz' 4th birthday.

I should be running around, 

buying cute toys, 

deciding what to put on his cake, 

taking birthday pictures, 

blowing up balloons, stringing streamers.

Then again, I've missed a lot lately:
Washing dirty little jeans
Tying cute little shoes
Kissing scrapes
Hugs good night
Teary eyes
"I love you my little man"
Watching him & Stonewall be best buds
Holding his hand
Complaining cause he's growing too much

Thankfully I serve a great God!

So even though I miss my Boaz...

I know he's running around on the streets of gold...talking to all the saints of God...visiting all the Bible greats...and he'll be there when we get there, not exactly waiting...I can't imagine anyone in Heaven waiting for anything..but maybe expecting! 

I am ever thankful for the promises of God! 

*sigh*

We got to spend a few days

listening to the surf

breathing in the salt air

playing in the pool

volleyball in the sand

relaxing

 a little shopping

 

a few great sunsets

making memories

 remembering

 

Dear Boaz,
Mommy sure misses you! Sometimes it's the only thing I can feel. You've been in Heaven over a year now. Knowing where you are doesn't make me miss you less. So many times I wanted to buy you something this past year....just to see your face smile one more time. But I didn't, it would've been for me....not you. Some people think Heaven is all serious and somber...and if it was, I know it's lively with you there. There are so many things I miss about you....everything!
I have an idea for next Christmas for you....for us. I will be able to do something for me...for you...and others will benefit too! You know, I love to say your name. We picked it out, of course, special just for you. We tried quite a few, but none "fit" till we came to Silas Boaz.
Thanks for being such a great little boy! You weren't whiny...you didn't pout. You had such a good attitude about all the time. Sometimes I had no idea how you were so good, I know I wouldn't have been. We had such great times together. You "bucked up" every time! You were the best buckaroo!
I know I'll always miss you something terrible, but I just wanted to tell you. It's ok with me that you don't miss us, I don't mind at all. I love you little man!

Merry Christmas Boaz! I know your having the best Christmas of all of us.
Love, Mommy

only a year

anyone who's been reading 

here for long knows what Nov 1st was

where are the words to say?
 

to anyone who thinks what I feel

is not normal...

I know you have never been through it

to anyone who thinks

the way I grieve is wrong...

I don't care what you think

I realize you are ignorant

on this subject

I try not to fault you...

but it gets difficult when you 

insist you are right

since I'm the one going through it

I know you are wrong.

I refuse to hide my hurt...

I let it show 

so that others who hurt 

will not feel alone.

When my hurting helps someone else

then I am not alone.

I know many others hurt

from the loss

I also know they do not hurt

like those who have lost.

That being said...

This has been an incredibly long year.

Since my little Boaz...

my little man

went home to be with the Lord

there have been many changes.

Some good, some not so

I can tell you that in a year

I know I still have no idea

what I'm going to feel

in the future.

I know that I will not know 
until it comes..

and sometimes it's hard to realize..

until later.

I know what I have felt:

like the house is empty...

when I know it's not.

like I am alone...

when I know I'm not.

like part of me died..

because it did.

 

Thank You My God

Thank you God for letting me...

enjoy all his smiles

feel his small hand in mine

have his fuzzy head on my pillow

explore the world with him

have his scribbles on my paper

get used to him sleeping with his shoes on 

(because we WERE going home!!!)

pick-up his darts all over the room

hear him call "Mommy, Mommy"

see his dancing eyes when he was mischievous

tote his cups everywhere

smell his sweet smell

need an endless supply of cheerios

 brush his soft hair, often

watch football on tv with him

have to search for "yertle turtle"

wash his blankie when he drifted off

push him in the swing till I thought 

my arms would fall off

and pull him in the wagon till I was dizzy

open his snacks

dry his eyes

clean the sand out of his clothes...again

 have so many giggly mornings

buckle his car seat

show him videos on my phone (over&over&over)

rub his head at night because he wanted me to

have fun getting splashed all those times he was in the tub

fetch his cars after they crashed at the end of the racetrack

trace his little hand on paper

paint with him

teach him to "blow" in my flute

 learn to let him do it on his own

have sleepless nights to spend with my little man

have days when I tended him all day long

feel his soft kisses

rock him to sleep 

feel his little hand patting my back

hear his feet pattering across the floor first thing in the morning

have "my love"........."my little man"

***

Thank you for letting me love him

like I knew he was dying!

 

my little man

I don't dream of Boaz very often, maybe four times so far.

The other night I did.

I was putting him to bed. 

I helped him onto the top bunk 

(where he loved to climb up and play, but I never let him sleep),

*Like this*

 I got him his blanket, turtle, and pillow.

As he lay down looking so sweet, 

actually he usually looked mischievous until he was asleep!

I realized that he'd tried to hide some toys in the bed, 

typical Boaz, a few matchbox cars, that sort of thing.

The turtle HAD to be upside down.

(I always like looking at them when they're sleeping.)

And then he lay down.

It was such a common thing,

that it was very real.

A few minutes later my alarm really did go off,
in my mind Boaz was sleeping
so I jumped quickly to turn off the alarm.
It didn't take me but a few more seconds
to realize that the alarm would not be waking my Boaz.
He sleeps no more.................

And the city had no need of the sun, neither of the moon,
to shine in it; for the glory of God did lighten it, 
and the Lamb is the light thereof.
And the gates of it shall not be shut at all by day:
for there shall be no night there.
Revelation 21:23, 25
 

Bravery Hearts

It is hard not to think of where we 

were last year at this time

and what was going on.

The struggle for life that was taking place, 

the way our world was changing so quickly.

There were a few things that helped.

A few people that made a difference 

in this road we were on. 

While Boaz was in the hospital

for his first round of chemo, 

the "art lady", in charge of toys,

crayons, and generally seeing that the 

patients were as happy as possible 

and the parents as..................

Well, it's kinda hard to say relaxed,

that's definitely not the right word. 

This lady was telling me about a program

the hospital had for cancer patients.

The program was normally for four year olds 

and up, but she decided to let Boaz in it anyway.

It is called Bravery Heart Beads for kids. 

For each procedure they have,
an infusion of chemo 

or blood, each scan or test, surgery....
the list goes on and on. 

The nurse marks it on their paper and 

once a week the "art" lady comes around 

and gives the children their beads.

In my opinion, the children really do earn the beads.

There is one bead however that is different.

It is the "brave" bead.

Only a nurse or doctor can award this bead.

When they think the child has behaved 

bravely in a situation, they sign off the 

brave bead on the list.

All of the "B" beads are brave beads, 

which they ran out of. 

Each other particular bead being

for a particular event.

Boaz really liked his beads, 

though I doubt he understood the meanings.

Paige and his brothers liked them and

liked to look up what each of the beads were for.

Bravery Hearts also sells things 
to support the program. 

It is free for the children,

but is only at select hospitals. 

So, for Boaz birthday we bought Paige

a Bravery Heart necklace.

She definitely earned it, 

standing by his bedside for hours to keep him happy

just so I could think, or tend to other things.

Each one is unique, in that the beads are 
just placed on without a real order. 

But each on has two things the same.

A hand blown glass heart...........

And a small "bravery" bead. 

 I couldn't help but thinking how fitting that 

was for Paige, loving her brother through 

the worst, staying by his side when possible,

and being very brave through it also.

God allowed us some GOOD times!!!

Nick ordered one for me also.

Every time I wear it, 

I think of my little man, of his bravery, 

and the love the Lord allowed us to share.

*********************

 I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness

of the Lord in the land of the living.  Psalm 27:13

 

   

 

one year ago

One year ago I was at the hospital,

not knowing my life would be changed forever.

My heart knew something............

 He was such a good boy.

here we were still in town

wouldn't I love to hold him again

just a few days before

laughing and playing at our beach

he was such a blessing

what I wouldn't give to hear that laugh again

his shirt says "too cool for school"

one fish is swimming the opposite way

one of Paige's favorite's =)

there were signs................

but who'd have known

Silas Boaz, "my love"

"My Little Man"

Boaz

This morning something we'd been waiting for was delivered.

We wanted it to be simple, yet we wanted it to be very "Boaz".

I always called Boaz, "my little man".

That is what he will always be.

 This was his favorite shirt and hat. 

He had other hats, (and shirts, really) but he wouldn't wear them.

 Until he saw this hat at the store one day.
I picked it up and tried it on him,
but since it was too big, I put it back. 
He began to pout immediately, but I didn't realize why.
I picked him up and held him, but that wasn't what he wanted.
He took his old hat off, and threw it into the back of the cart.
By now I knew he was mad, but didn't know why.
Finally, I had a bright idea and sent Paige back for the hat.
Boaz immediately put it on and began smiling.
And I bought the hat!  : )

After that he would trade between the two hats. 
He would pick out all of the cars to play with also. 
It must've been the eyes on them that he liked.

Then there was his turtle. 
We went to the Georgia Aquarium when Boaz was nine months old.
Nick got him this turtle and he slept with it ever after.
He turned the turtle upside down and played with the tag.

I love pictures of them sleeping.
They are so sweet.

Boaz was my constant companion for two and a half years.

He was just getting to be independent when he got sick.

After that I lived, to keep him alive.

Having a child so sick puts the rest of your life on hold.

My fight to keep him alive and happy

consumed everything I had.

If you've never been in that situation, 

you can not understand.

I never say I'm tired now. 

Having a large family, schooling them all, 

working in a ministry..............
Now I know that wasn't tired.

Tired has a new definition.
I do not complain of anything I've been through with Boaz.
Many people never have time with their child.
The Lord gave me six glorious months.
Many of those days were wonderful and happy.
I can not thank God enough for being merciful
to me in allowing me the good times I had with my little man.

Boaz' Birthday

Yesterday would have been Silas Boaz' 3rd birthday.

I miss him greatly, some days more than others.

Some days are ok, and some days I miss him so much it is a physical ache.

But my God is still on the throne, He hasn't changed!!!

A few weeks ago I received this beautiful bracelet from some great friends who live in Mississippi.

It says:

SILAS BOAZ BLACKBURN    10 MAR 07

UNTIL WE HOLD HIM AGAIN   01 NOV 09

The beads are beautiful, and I love the bracelet.

 Not knowing what was in the package when it arrived, 

but knowing these friends,

I was crying before I even got it opened.

It was a thoughtful and timely gift. 

The Lord used these people to be a blessing to me.

On this birthday there were:

no presents to unwrap

no tiny squeals of joy

no blankies to drag around

no turtle to find for nap time

no scooter racing through the house

But there was:

one more blond haired boy in the presence of Jesus Christ

 walkin on the street of gold

and fishing in the crystal sea

or flyin round with the angels

my little man

Sometimes it's hard to think of my little Boaz "being" somewhere. 

It's so easy to see him running through the house, 

chasing his "Sissy" with the mop

with that smile that lit up his whole face

or that very thoughtful look, like he was pondering something

maybe that devious "Scruggs" smirk when he was

about to get into, destroy something,

tease someone, or he was going to run away

 I can imagine him fishing with Bro Hank

listening to the love story of  the Boaz and Ruth

asking about the animals that were on the ark

and sitting in the lap of my Saviour, Jesus Christ

 

Boaz and Buddy-makin friends

Boaz and Stonewall have always been best friends. They are only 16 months apart. They did everything together. There were certain things that only Stonewall could do with Boaz, they were buddies. But, with Boaz gone it has left quite a hole in Stonewalls life. Sometimes I think he must feel lost. He has grown a little closer to a few friends though. Boaz and Gracie were little together,and played constantly. Of course, a little fighting too, like here they're fighting over the toys. Hunter joined in this time with their game.Boaz and Stonewall worked together well too. Very cute. Boaz loved his pockets and I even had to start checking them before washing. I usually found a small derringer gun or a rubber glow in the dark snake!!  Building houses for their "animals".This is the Saturday before we had to take Boaz in to the hospital. I knew in my heart something was wrong, but never dreamed what it was. I even believed it was serious, but we never guessed it. As I got to, and left the doctors office on Monday I told the Lord, "Lord, he's always been yours, and if you take him now, you are still gracious and kind. And no matter what, you are still on the throne". I really felt then that he would take him, but as time wore on and he started getting better, I began to believe I was going to get to keep him. But it looks like God took me up on it. I don't like it, don't think I do. I miss him every single day, in ways only a Mommy can understand who has lost one. Some things do remain though, no matter how I feel. My God is still in control, even when I don't understand. 

Stonewall was being a little gentleman this day. It was sooo cute watching him pull his little brother and a girl in the wagon.                    

Here's Sissy snuggling with her little brothers. They loved it and so does she. Stonewall took over Boaz' bed in Sissy's room, but he really likes to sleep with his Sissy and steal her blankets!!! : )  Gracie climbed up and was feeding Boaz his yogurt, though I have no idea why. It was very cute. Just the kind of thing friends do! When Boaz got sick, even the little ones seemed to realize our days with him were a gift. We didn't want to give him everything he wanted, but we all realized God could take him at any time.Stonewall loved his "Buggy". He didn't understand at all. He has seen him feeling so bad that I think he just thought he was sleeping or still sick. He wanted to know if Boaz wanted to color, and gave him toys!So, one day we realize Gracie and Stonewall have taken up together since Boaz passed. We overheard them talking too. Gracie said, "Now that Silas is gone and up in the clouds we'll just have to do with each other". And they really do a lot together.  They are playing house, obviously the kitten is the "baby". Stonewall had been "babysitting" while Grace "fixed dinner".Here's Stonewall and Cheyenne, they play together pretty good, though sometimes Stonewall acts like......well.....he's such a boy!!! He can be cute and be feeding her pretzels one minute. But then the he turned around and stepped on her blanket, smiling the whole time. Chy though is letting Stonewall have it!!  : )  One time Chy decided to wrestle with him. Stonewall again is laughing (he's used to wrestling with his brothers), but Chy was NOT!! She could not get out of this one! It took a few minutes for Alex to be able to settle her. Really, I didn't teach him to wrestle with girls.   ; )                                           I sure miss my little man. Some days I miss him more than others. Some days are much worse than others. I am very glad that Stonewall has friends to help fill in that empty space I know is in his heart also. The other night in church Stonewall raised his hand and asked prayer, he said, "please pray for Silas, because................" and he bawled. Yes, even at four years old there is a large empty space that hurts. He comes to me, sometimes several times in a day to tell me things he remembers about Boaz, like "Buggy called me Tonewall". I guess he must have days that are harder than others too. Stonewall and Boaz were best friends and I'm glad his memory of Boaz is so sharp. I want it to stay that way.  : )