Dear Boaz,
Mommy sure misses you! Sometimes it's the only thing I can feel. You've been in Heaven over a year now. Knowing where you are doesn't make me miss you less. So many times I wanted to buy you something this past year....just to see your face smile one more time. But I didn't, it would've been for me....not you. Some people think Heaven is all serious and somber...and if it was, I know it's lively with you there. There are so many things I miss about you....everything!
I have an idea for next Christmas for you....for us. I will be able to do something for me...for you...and others will benefit too! You know, I love to say your name. We picked it out, of course, special just for you. We tried quite a few, but none "fit" till we came to Silas Boaz.
Thanks for being such a great little boy! You weren't whiny...you didn't pout. You had such a good attitude about all the time. Sometimes I had no idea how you were so good, I know I wouldn't have been. We had such great times together. You "bucked up" every time! You were the best buckaroo!
I know I'll always miss you something terrible, but I just wanted to tell you. It's ok with me that you don't miss us, I don't mind at all. I love you little man!

Merry Christmas Boaz! I know your having the best Christmas of all of us.
Love, Mommy

only a year

anyone who's been reading 

here for long knows what Nov 1st was

where are the words to say?
 

to anyone who thinks what I feel

is not normal...

I know you have never been through it

to anyone who thinks

the way I grieve is wrong...

I don't care what you think

I realize you are ignorant

on this subject

I try not to fault you...

but it gets difficult when you 

insist you are right

since I'm the one going through it

I know you are wrong.

I refuse to hide my hurt...

I let it show 

so that others who hurt 

will not feel alone.

When my hurting helps someone else

then I am not alone.

I know many others hurt

from the loss

I also know they do not hurt

like those who have lost.

That being said...

This has been an incredibly long year.

Since my little Boaz...

my little man

went home to be with the Lord

there have been many changes.

Some good, some not so

I can tell you that in a year

I know I still have no idea

what I'm going to feel

in the future.

I know that I will not know 
until it comes..

and sometimes it's hard to realize..

until later.

I know what I have felt:

like the house is empty...

when I know it's not.

like I am alone...

when I know I'm not.

like part of me died..

because it did.

 

my little man

I don't dream of Boaz very often, maybe four times so far.

The other night I did.

I was putting him to bed. 

I helped him onto the top bunk 

(where he loved to climb up and play, but I never let him sleep),

*Like this*

 I got him his blanket, turtle, and pillow.

As he lay down looking so sweet, 

actually he usually looked mischievous until he was asleep!

I realized that he'd tried to hide some toys in the bed, 

typical Boaz, a few matchbox cars, that sort of thing.

The turtle HAD to be upside down.

(I always like looking at them when they're sleeping.)

And then he lay down.

It was such a common thing,

that it was very real.

A few minutes later my alarm really did go off,
in my mind Boaz was sleeping
so I jumped quickly to turn off the alarm.
It didn't take me but a few more seconds
to realize that the alarm would not be waking my Boaz.
He sleeps no more.................

And the city had no need of the sun, neither of the moon,
to shine in it; for the glory of God did lighten it, 
and the Lamb is the light thereof.
And the gates of it shall not be shut at all by day:
for there shall be no night there.
Revelation 21:23, 25
 

Boaz' Birthday

Yesterday would have been Silas Boaz' 3rd birthday.

I miss him greatly, some days more than others.

Some days are ok, and some days I miss him so much it is a physical ache.

But my God is still on the throne, He hasn't changed!!!

A few weeks ago I received this beautiful bracelet from some great friends who live in Mississippi.

It says:

SILAS BOAZ BLACKBURN    10 MAR 07

UNTIL WE HOLD HIM AGAIN   01 NOV 09

The beads are beautiful, and I love the bracelet.

 Not knowing what was in the package when it arrived, 

but knowing these friends,

I was crying before I even got it opened.

It was a thoughtful and timely gift. 

The Lord used these people to be a blessing to me.

On this birthday there were:

no presents to unwrap

no tiny squeals of joy

no blankies to drag around

no turtle to find for nap time

no scooter racing through the house

But there was:

one more blond haired boy in the presence of Jesus Christ

 walkin on the street of gold

and fishing in the crystal sea

or flyin round with the angels

my little man

Sometimes it's hard to think of my little Boaz "being" somewhere. 

It's so easy to see him running through the house, 

chasing his "Sissy" with the mop

with that smile that lit up his whole face

or that very thoughtful look, like he was pondering something

maybe that devious "Scruggs" smirk when he was

about to get into, destroy something,

tease someone, or he was going to run away

 I can imagine him fishing with Bro Hank

listening to the love story of  the Boaz and Ruth

asking about the animals that were on the ark

and sitting in the lap of my Saviour, Jesus Christ

 

not this time

Something in me changed one night in the hospital during Silas' 1st hospital stay. His platelets were low, I was alone, and he was doing badly. He was resting fitfully. I was watching for all of those horrible things they said could happen. He needed those platelets, but they were in Dothan, and wouldn't be there till morning! I cried out to God, fearful that I might lose my Silas. I told myself "I will pray my Boaz through the night". It was as if the Lord laughed at me. I thought, "what?????".The Lord was saying, "you think YOU can do something about this?" And at that point I realized how weak I was, and I began to get a vision for how strong my Lord is compared to..............me!
I realized I could do nothing for Silas Boaz, not on my own, not even "praying him through the night". Because I was acting in my own power, and I needed to rely on the Lord's. The Lord brought to my mind two verses of scripture, Exodus 15:3 The Lord is a man of war, the LORD is his name. That's my Lord, he likes fighting, its all through the Bible. And Exodus 14:14 And the Lord will fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace. God wasn't telling me not to pray, he was telling me to allow Him to do the fighting, and it is so much more restful that way. Of course I prayed through out the night, not just that night, but many, many, many nights to come. I used to think I was tired............... that was before I learned what tired was.
But God was teaching me lessons. Fast forward a little over five months. We've had some very good times with My Little Man. He felt amazingly good at times. Other times....... he had an infection in his port. Every time we'd use it he would spike a high, HIGH-105* temp within 15 minutes. He went through four surgeries. The infection moved to his bones, very bad. One week he's giggling and laughing, no one we meet can believe THIS is the child with stage IV cancer.The next week we're in the hospital, he quits standing. In my heart I knew the cancer had moved to his bones, but I ignored the advance notice I was getting and pretended it was from the high fevers. The next week he is saying, "I can't sit up." Now, I am very scared. Why wouldn't he be able to sit up??? By then I can SEE the cancer has spread, though I had no idea it was into his precious brain. He was so smart. Its still hard to believe, all that going on in his tiny body, yet he was so smiley, such a good attitude, so unbelievably well behaved!!! Later that week I could sit him up, but he was unsteady.

For some reason I felt the Lord was telling me something different this time. I reasoned, "he was worse when we found out he had the cancer in May", but the Lord was saying "not this time". I cried out to him, I fasted, I begged, BUT the Lord was speaking, I didn't want to listen. It went against everything we had been seeing happen. He'd been getting better.........................but the Lord was saying something different to me, something he'd never said before, "not this time". I knew the Lord could heal him if He wanted, I didn't lack the faith that He COULD heal him. I just knew what He was telling me........."not this time". How could I tell someone that he wouldn't make it??? He just got sick, He seemed a very healthy boy, despite the cancer we knew was in his body. We'd been watching the cancer go away.........."not this time". It's not something you can be ready for. I prayed the Lord wouldn't make him suffer long. I don't like to remember my little one laying in the bed those last few days and nights. That's not how I remember him. When I see Silas he is running through the house, chasing Sissy with the mop! Or he is grinning that mischievous smile, because he WAS ALWAYS up to something. Maybe he's wrestling with his "Uncle Tim"-his giant stuffed deer. He's bouncing on the trampoline, and making everyone else sit down! Or he's at church saying "Amen Preacher"! His old body is in the grave down the road, but Boaz is up in Glory. He's got some great friends up there and I can't wait to meet them. Sure, I miss him every day. I miss holding him till my arms ache. I miss running my fingers through his soft hair until he falls asleep. I miss his beautiful smile, and just having him near. I miss cheerios on the floor, and in the van seat. I miss his tiny hand in mine, and dragging his blankie around. I miss having to watch football, no matter who's playing. I miss fetching his cars for him after he races them down the track. I miss searching for his turtle at nap time, so he can play with the tag. I miss him saying "Hi Mommy" when I walk in the room.
I am sure I will miss him every day of my life. Some days more than others. Sometimes the sorrow comes in waves, like sea billows!! I praise God that this is such a short life compared with eternity. I praise God that I know my real home is in Heaven, and that Silas is already there. I will see my Little Man again, and he will once again be running, and laughing.