one year ago

One year ago I was at the hospital,

not knowing my life would be changed forever.

My heart knew something............

 He was such a good boy.

here we were still in town

wouldn't I love to hold him again

just a few days before

laughing and playing at our beach

he was such a blessing

what I wouldn't give to hear that laugh again

his shirt says "too cool for school"

one fish is swimming the opposite way

one of Paige's favorite's =)

there were signs................

but who'd have known

Silas Boaz, "my love"

"My Little Man"

Boaz

This morning something we'd been waiting for was delivered.

We wanted it to be simple, yet we wanted it to be very "Boaz".

I always called Boaz, "my little man".

That is what he will always be.

 This was his favorite shirt and hat. 

He had other hats, (and shirts, really) but he wouldn't wear them.

 Until he saw this hat at the store one day.
I picked it up and tried it on him,
but since it was too big, I put it back. 
He began to pout immediately, but I didn't realize why.
I picked him up and held him, but that wasn't what he wanted.
He took his old hat off, and threw it into the back of the cart.
By now I knew he was mad, but didn't know why.
Finally, I had a bright idea and sent Paige back for the hat.
Boaz immediately put it on and began smiling.
And I bought the hat!  : )

After that he would trade between the two hats. 
He would pick out all of the cars to play with also. 
It must've been the eyes on them that he liked.

Then there was his turtle. 
We went to the Georgia Aquarium when Boaz was nine months old.
Nick got him this turtle and he slept with it ever after.
He turned the turtle upside down and played with the tag.

I love pictures of them sleeping.
They are so sweet.

Boaz was my constant companion for two and a half years.

He was just getting to be independent when he got sick.

After that I lived, to keep him alive.

Having a child so sick puts the rest of your life on hold.

My fight to keep him alive and happy

consumed everything I had.

If you've never been in that situation, 

you can not understand.

I never say I'm tired now. 

Having a large family, schooling them all, 

working in a ministry..............
Now I know that wasn't tired.

Tired has a new definition.
I do not complain of anything I've been through with Boaz.
Many people never have time with their child.
The Lord gave me six glorious months.
Many of those days were wonderful and happy.
I can not thank God enough for being merciful
to me in allowing me the good times I had with my little man.

Boaz' Birthday

Yesterday would have been Silas Boaz' 3rd birthday.

I miss him greatly, some days more than others.

Some days are ok, and some days I miss him so much it is a physical ache.

But my God is still on the throne, He hasn't changed!!!

A few weeks ago I received this beautiful bracelet from some great friends who live in Mississippi.

It says:

SILAS BOAZ BLACKBURN    10 MAR 07

UNTIL WE HOLD HIM AGAIN   01 NOV 09

The beads are beautiful, and I love the bracelet.

 Not knowing what was in the package when it arrived, 

but knowing these friends,

I was crying before I even got it opened.

It was a thoughtful and timely gift. 

The Lord used these people to be a blessing to me.

On this birthday there were:

no presents to unwrap

no tiny squeals of joy

no blankies to drag around

no turtle to find for nap time

no scooter racing through the house

But there was:

one more blond haired boy in the presence of Jesus Christ

 walkin on the street of gold

and fishing in the crystal sea

or flyin round with the angels

my little man

Sometimes it's hard to think of my little Boaz "being" somewhere. 

It's so easy to see him running through the house, 

chasing his "Sissy" with the mop

with that smile that lit up his whole face

or that very thoughtful look, like he was pondering something

maybe that devious "Scruggs" smirk when he was

about to get into, destroy something,

tease someone, or he was going to run away

 I can imagine him fishing with Bro Hank

listening to the love story of  the Boaz and Ruth

asking about the animals that were on the ark

and sitting in the lap of my Saviour, Jesus Christ

 

not this time

Something in me changed one night in the hospital during Silas' 1st hospital stay. His platelets were low, I was alone, and he was doing badly. He was resting fitfully. I was watching for all of those horrible things they said could happen. He needed those platelets, but they were in Dothan, and wouldn't be there till morning! I cried out to God, fearful that I might lose my Silas. I told myself "I will pray my Boaz through the night". It was as if the Lord laughed at me. I thought, "what?????".The Lord was saying, "you think YOU can do something about this?" And at that point I realized how weak I was, and I began to get a vision for how strong my Lord is compared to..............me!
I realized I could do nothing for Silas Boaz, not on my own, not even "praying him through the night". Because I was acting in my own power, and I needed to rely on the Lord's. The Lord brought to my mind two verses of scripture, Exodus 15:3 The Lord is a man of war, the LORD is his name. That's my Lord, he likes fighting, its all through the Bible. And Exodus 14:14 And the Lord will fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace. God wasn't telling me not to pray, he was telling me to allow Him to do the fighting, and it is so much more restful that way. Of course I prayed through out the night, not just that night, but many, many, many nights to come. I used to think I was tired............... that was before I learned what tired was.
But God was teaching me lessons. Fast forward a little over five months. We've had some very good times with My Little Man. He felt amazingly good at times. Other times....... he had an infection in his port. Every time we'd use it he would spike a high, HIGH-105* temp within 15 minutes. He went through four surgeries. The infection moved to his bones, very bad. One week he's giggling and laughing, no one we meet can believe THIS is the child with stage IV cancer.The next week we're in the hospital, he quits standing. In my heart I knew the cancer had moved to his bones, but I ignored the advance notice I was getting and pretended it was from the high fevers. The next week he is saying, "I can't sit up." Now, I am very scared. Why wouldn't he be able to sit up??? By then I can SEE the cancer has spread, though I had no idea it was into his precious brain. He was so smart. Its still hard to believe, all that going on in his tiny body, yet he was so smiley, such a good attitude, so unbelievably well behaved!!! Later that week I could sit him up, but he was unsteady.

For some reason I felt the Lord was telling me something different this time. I reasoned, "he was worse when we found out he had the cancer in May", but the Lord was saying "not this time". I cried out to him, I fasted, I begged, BUT the Lord was speaking, I didn't want to listen. It went against everything we had been seeing happen. He'd been getting better.........................but the Lord was saying something different to me, something he'd never said before, "not this time". I knew the Lord could heal him if He wanted, I didn't lack the faith that He COULD heal him. I just knew what He was telling me........."not this time". How could I tell someone that he wouldn't make it??? He just got sick, He seemed a very healthy boy, despite the cancer we knew was in his body. We'd been watching the cancer go away.........."not this time". It's not something you can be ready for. I prayed the Lord wouldn't make him suffer long. I don't like to remember my little one laying in the bed those last few days and nights. That's not how I remember him. When I see Silas he is running through the house, chasing Sissy with the mop! Or he is grinning that mischievous smile, because he WAS ALWAYS up to something. Maybe he's wrestling with his "Uncle Tim"-his giant stuffed deer. He's bouncing on the trampoline, and making everyone else sit down! Or he's at church saying "Amen Preacher"! His old body is in the grave down the road, but Boaz is up in Glory. He's got some great friends up there and I can't wait to meet them. Sure, I miss him every day. I miss holding him till my arms ache. I miss running my fingers through his soft hair until he falls asleep. I miss his beautiful smile, and just having him near. I miss cheerios on the floor, and in the van seat. I miss his tiny hand in mine, and dragging his blankie around. I miss having to watch football, no matter who's playing. I miss fetching his cars for him after he races them down the track. I miss searching for his turtle at nap time, so he can play with the tag. I miss him saying "Hi Mommy" when I walk in the room.
I am sure I will miss him every day of my life. Some days more than others. Sometimes the sorrow comes in waves, like sea billows!! I praise God that this is such a short life compared with eternity. I praise God that I know my real home is in Heaven, and that Silas is already there. I will see my Little Man again, and he will once again be running, and laughing.

i miss

finding cheerios in the van seat
searching for his turtle at nap time so he can rub the tag
his tiny hand in mine
fetching his cars after they race down the track
"singing" with "my little man"
watching football, no matter who's playing
rubbing his hair till he falls asleep
letting him watch videos on my phone
buying MORE pants, cause he grew again
his skipping naps on Sundays to play with "Preacher Bear"
his chasing Siah on his Gator scooter
trying to get his shoes off of him when he wants to "go"
pulling him in the wagon
his beautiful smile
getting out the water paints for him AGAIN
letting him smell everything
his contagious laugh
his scribbling on my picture when we color
trying to get him to change when he has his favorite shirt on
his stealing our soft blankets when we aren't looking
his mischievous attitude
cleaning the dirt off from head to toe
him stealing Sissy's waffle
his "pouty" face
the way he said our names
the way his eyes dance when he smiles
trying to get him in the house when he wants to play outside
his kisses good night
watching him sleep
holding him in my arms


As for God, his way is perfect: Psalm 18:30

Thats My Boy

Thats My Boy

running barefoot
in the yard
chasing Sarge

soft hair
cute smile
blue eyes shining

such a light
quick to laugh
making friends

"Hi Daddy"
you mean
the world to me

"Mommy, Mommy"
hold me so
"I wuv you"

"Sissy, Sissy"
oh, how many ways
you take care of me

"Siah, Siah"
time to play
get your guitar

"Wewi, Wewi"
get my gun
I wanna shoot

"Caleb, Caleb"
be a pup
fetch for me

"Timothy"
we will sit
read a book with me

"Hunter"
sit over there
roll my ball

"Buddy"
my best buddy
get on my gator bike with me

"Aaron, Aaron"
turn on tv
we watch football

"Grandmama Chris"
I like your beads
sealed with a kiss

"Preacher Buddy"
where's my bear
I don't wanna nap

"Wussell, Wussell"
pick me up
show me the 'puter

"Clay"
he's singing
pick me up so I can see

funny ways
so smart
making us laugh

loving ways
tender kisses
winning hearts

laughing joyfully
swinging high
maybe he will fly

God's Wonderful Grace

As the sun set on little Boaz' life, we are very sad and missing him. But, rejoicing that he is in the arms of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

Nick and I were thanking God for all the good times we had with our Little Man, and for God allowing us to keep him for these two years and seven months. I needed to stroke his soft hair one more time, though this time it wasn't to comfort him, but me.



We ended up having Sunday School in the house. We were all mourning our loss, because it was surely gain for Silas!

We are very thankful for everyone who came to support us. Somehow, this morning I was wondering if my Silas has talked to Boaz and Ruth, or Paul and Silas yet!

Silas Graduation Arrangements

People have been sending us e-mails, notes of encouragement. It has been a blessing.
Hebrews 13:2 Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.
He endured his pain and suffering differently than others. His behavior was different. He didn't scream and pitch fits,, even in extreme pain. In the middle of great pain Thursday, Nick walked in the door. Silas stopped crying, said, "Hi Daddy", and went back to crying. Don't teach me doctrine, the verse was timely and helped me out!
We went yesterday and made all of the arrangements. The viewing is Wednesday, at Heritage Funeral Home, from 6-8pm. The funeral is Thursday, at Fellowship Baptist Church, at 2pm. Graveside services will be following at Heritage Memorial Gardens. In lieu of flowers we are asking that donations be made to the Silas Blackburn Memorial Fund. It is through Truth Baptist Church, 4015 Maynard Dr., Panama City, Fl 32404. You will need to put Silas Memorial Fund in the memo.
If you need any other information, you can e-mail Nick at crazycongoman@hotmail.com or me at kdforthecongo@yahoo.com
Silas was full of life, and we'd rather not have a ton of flowers. We know there will be some, and that is fine with us. We miss Silas, like only someone who's lost a child can know. We are thankful for the prayers and notes of encouragement from everyone.

What Never Changes

We had a tent revival this past week. Silas and I made it to the pm services through Wednesday. Wednesday night he was playing, saying "Amen preacher", and playing with Mrs. Chris' necklace. He was a great trooper. He endured hardness. Last night he was in great pain for a few hours. We gave him some extra medicine to settle him, but the look of pain never left his face. Nick and I, and several of the children were praying the Lord would take him on home (to Heaven). We moved him to his bed in our room and gave him his turtle, which he hasn't wanted for days. He cried for a second sometime after 2am. and he never cried out again. I got up this morning and knew he was gone, I couldn't hear him breathing. I woke Nick, and the rest is done. The thing is, he had such a peaceful look on his face. He was holding his turtle, and smiling. Obviously, the Lord took the pain away before he took him. We haven't made any arrangements yet. We are very thankful for the Lord's mercy and answering our prayers. We are thankful for everyone who has and is praying for us. We know we will be needing it.
One of the songs that was sang this week really helped Nick and I. We actually had it on all day yesterday, repeat is a nice thing. The title is What Never Changes

What Never Changes

I've seen things along the way,
I've seen some trouble in my short days.
Through it all, I have no fear.
See, I had a friend who was always near.

And if the sun were to fall,
if the oceans were to dry.
If the mountains were to crumble,
I wouldn't bat an eye.
For I stand upon the Rock,
the Rock of Ages.
No matter what may come,
What storm around me rages,
I stand upon what never changes.

Sometimes the way looks bleak,
Cause we're just human, and we are weak.
Take it from me,
If the road gets rough
He'll be there to pick you up.

And if the sun were to fall
If the oceans were to dry.
If the mountains were to crumble
I wouldn't bat an eye.
I stand upon the Rock
He's the Rock of all the Ages.
No matter what may come
What storm around me rages,
I stand upon what never changes.

God's love never changes. His being there for me has never changed. He has always been loving and kind. He's the Rock I've held onto through all of this, and I sure am thankful that he never changes.

Glory to God, we're at home

Boaz is definately happier at home!!Our ceiling tile. Actually on the hospital ceiling. Boaz is in my arms.

What a surprise when last Wednesday the doctor walked in and announced we could go home in a day or so. I was actually not at the hospital. Mrs. Chris Maynard, our pastors wife, and Aaron, her son and Silas' blood brother, had stayed the night. The Unger's brought my boys from home for a visit, and as they say, they kicked me out of the hospital for the night! It was great that night, I really miss my boys!!
At the hospital, they gave us a ceiling tile to paint. I started with Silas' hand and footprints. Then we had fun glorifying God from there. My God is a mighty God. The picture of Silas waving is from when we skyped in at church. He waved to everyone for about three to four minutes. He wouldn't put his hand down. He wouldn't go to sleep until church was over. He must've been afraid to miss something. When he'd see someone else he'd say "Hi Gracie" or "Hi Markie". I guess he misses his friends!!
Now we're at home! He's been playing with his brothers, and zooming around on his car. He couldn't even stand on his own after the chemo. I was not expecting this. I understand chemo is hard on the body, but seeing things makes it different! The first time I stood him on the floor, his legs wouldn't hold him up. I teared up even though we we're in the art room with everyone else. It took me a few minutes to be ok. Ever wonder why parents are taking their children and running from the chemo?? Boaz is a boy. A bald head isn't that big of a thing, except you can really see all of those tumors in his skull now. But, if that were my girl?! It would most likely be a different story! Some of the side effects are able to be lessened by basic knowledge of natural helps. At home now Boaz is walking across the room, though unsteady, without falling. It has been a battle.
The doctors and nurses say they cannot understand how his blood counts rose so fast. They were taking him off medicines so fast, my head was swimming. Normally after a round of chemo (he is getting the strongest stuff!), a childs ANC (ability to fight infection) will drop to zero and stay there many days, which is one reason we thought we'd be there til after this next round. BUT GOD, what wonderful words!!! God gave us some wisdom, we applied it, millions of people are praying, and my God had different plans for little Boaz. Boaz ANC was only at zero for three days. By day six it was above 4000. And the Friday they released him it was above 6400. I am told these numbers usually climb very slowly. I tell the medical staff that there are millions of people praying for Silas. People I've never met. And that my God is a mighty God. They don't normally understand, but every once in a while, one of them will!
Thank you to everyone praying. Please keep it up. This is a fight for the life of Boaz, a normal life.

Quick Note

Little Boaz is now receiving the blood that was banked for him by Bro. Buddy and Aaron Maynard (we know we have the best church in the world)! About 10 minutes after starting it he turned over, got a car and played with it for a few minutes. Earlier he ate some thin pretzel sticks (one of our favorite snacks), a few bites of yogurt, and drank water from my bottle. He has refused drink for a week prior, no matter how cute the cups were. This is important, because they will not release him between treatments unless he takes in liquids on his own.
Clay and Mrs. Kim are updating their blogs as well, and probably more regularly. So, check them for info also. Must go watch my little one.
Thanks for all the prayers. I know I couldn't do it alone.
Psalm 121

Silas Boaz

First, I must say, GOD IS STILL ON THE THRONE!!!!!!!!!
I realize some of you already know some of what is going on, but I will try to be comprehensive, for those who do not. Little Silas Boaz is at Shands Children's Hospital in Gainsville, Fl. He has been showing some signs of something being wrong, and it progressed rather rapidly, on the outside. He has been diagnosed with neuroblastoma. It is a cancer of the nerves, starting in the adrenal glands. It affects children age five and under, some are born with it, like Boaz probably was. His started in his abdomen, in the left adrenal gland, and that tumor has pretty much taken over his abdomen. It is on his stomach, which we will deal with later. But, PRAISE GOD, it is not in any more of his organs. They are a little pushed around right now, but healthy! His secondary site is probably his head, which has about four spots, in the skull. This gives him much pain. He has been rubbing his head for a long time and always liked us to rub it. Now we know why. But, once again, God has chosen to protect his brain. GLORY TO GOD!!! God is merciful in all things. Then he has a lump under his arm (soft tissue), and in his arm, and leg (in the bones). It is not in his blood!!!! That is an answered prayer. PRAISE THE LORD!!!
We knew something was really wrong, but had no idea what. Of course, we never thought cancer. After all, he's two. By the time we got him here he had slept for days, only waking for short times, he had been vomiting for days, had lumps on his head (they all came up since Thursday, April 29th), wanted no one but me,and was severely dehydrated. But, my God knows things I do not. None of these things were a surprise to Him. He started chemo on Friday at 7pm. I know he needed that badly. Within an hour he was devouring Aaron's french fries. The next day he ate a whole banana for lunch, and a cup of yogurt. For dinner, he ate fries and part of my chicken sandwich.
I know we are sure to have rough time ahead. I believe it will be hard. My God is merciful. He could have taken him in womb, at birth, or any time since then. Nick and I gave him to the Lord long ago. And I have done it many times since then, especially since that first Dr visit when something inside said, "somethings wrong".
I will try to keep this updated. Sometimes I may have someone else do it. God didn't make a mistake. No matter what changes, God never changes.
GOD IS STILL ON THE THRONE!!!!